Shit Tests

When I was 18 a women I was dating at the time told me as she was incredibly stressed out that I wasn’t the one, started blaming me for things I hadn’t done, started justifying and rationalizing her actions by saying how I wasn’t the girl for her, how that there was probably something wrong with her, and that we all want what we can’t have, and then topped it all off with maybe this is just not going to work.

How I took what she said in that moment was that she didn’t like me, that I was rejected, and that she was making up excuses to why I wasn’t her type.  I hear what she said like this due to my past where I was clueless when it came to dating and felt that no girl would ever be into me.  Even though my confidence grew over time and my dating life started to naturally evolve like it would with every teenage boy — what often stayed behind was how I listened.  It wasn’t until maybe a year ago or so when I realized how I was listening to not just women but people in general based on the past.

So what actually happened I found out later is that this women was saying all of this to me not because she didn’t like me but she was subconciously testing my character and my strenghth.  Deep down she wanted to know that I would rip out her belief systems about herself, be there to tell her she wasn’t undatable, be there to shine some light and comfort her, but instead because I was so scared of her not liking me I did exactly what she didn’t want me to do…I lost my grounding and my bearings with her and allowed myself to just agree with her and confirm her reality about herself.  She was shit testing me and I failed her test.

Women will naturally do this with men.  Beautiful & confident women are used to guys hitting on them more than they will hit on guys.  Women socialogically as well as biologically have to be a lot more discriminant with who they choose as a partner.  I know for me when looking at a potential investment in the stock market I will often times grill the CEO.  If the CEO breaks down and can’t hold their ground, that’s one way for me to see weakness in a business model.  I’m testing the managements integrity.  As a guy, if you are naturally very overconfident, grounded, and driven with a life mission and purpose you will probably notice women who you are dating will test you and the more you put yourself out there the more women will try to test you.  Often times these tests are completely subconcious.  But do not take it as rejection yet a compliment.  A women would never tell a guy she doesn’t care about all her reasons and justifications about to rationalize her own insecurities.  She would expect you would just kilter over if she thought you had a weak personality.  It’s not just women though — it’s anybody in your life.  Friends will test you, women you’re dating will test you, girlfriends will test you, people you meet at a conference will test you.   The more you stand your ground under pressure the more they see you as someone with strenght and conviction in who you are to the core.  The more they throw bullshit belief systems about themselves on you and the more you dispel them the more they will grow around you.

People hope that by these Shit Tests you will not conform to their beliefs yet shine your light on them.  When you are that person for people, you really have the oppurtunity to make a difference in their lives.  When you are that person for people, people will see you as more reliable, trustworthy, someone who they would more likely to do a business deal with, someone who they would be attracted to as a partner, someone who they are attracted to as a person.  Shit tests should not be resisted yet welcomed.  The more shit you can take and dissipate the more you come ahead and the more you help others grow around you.

Your Life Mission

The purpose of this post is to go after what you really want.  To pursue your life mission.

To provide some context here are some themes to be mindful of when reading my note below:

So what are some takeaways from all of this?

(Consider being mindful of these two things before reading)

-          What I say is not the truth, not to be believed, just things to consider.  To fully get the impact of what I’m saying in how what I’m saying occurs for me, comes from the experience of getting what’s so, not reading about it or believing in it.  The experience is powerful, reading about it could “sound  like” common sense or straight out bullshit.

-          Human beings often listen through a filter.  While reading, have an awareness of your thoughts about what I’m saying.  I invite you to put your thoughts, your reasons, and your logic aside and just read what I’m saying like if what I’m saying is all that matters.  Give up being right about what you believe in just while reading this and read this to fully embody how what I’m saying occurs for me.

(Consider being mindful of these things while reading)

-          Give up attachment to an outcome but be incredibly committed to what you want.  When your sensing your attached to what you want, just give it up in that moment.

-          Give up resisting

-          Give up resentment

-          Practice Forgiveness

-          Complete the past, don’t operate from it, operate from the now and create a future and possibilities in the present

-          Be Inclusive,  not tolerant

-          Don’t ever bring yourself down to bring someone else up

-          Bring people up around you which brings you up (win-win)

-          Remember what you’re committed to.  If you’re playing the game “create passion” and you let an upset stop you from what you were out to create, the game is over and the game “let an upset destroy passion” is the new game you are playing.  A game is when something is more important than something else because that’s what is declared.  Games are not natural.  Baseball wasn’t discovered, it was created.  The power of language creates reality when there is integrity behind what’s being said.

-          Be mindful to distinguish what happens with your interpretation of what happens.

-          Be larger than your circumstances

-          Be larger than your reasons

-          What you do is what you’re doing and that’s all you’ll ever do.  Reasons belong in the realm of interpretation of what happens.  (I almost never have the time or money to do many of the things I do)  (I also do  not have the energy nor enough sleep to write this note right now)  I still do what I’m doing and I still am writing this note

-          Happiness is created by accepting what is.  Having an awareness of where you resist is what will show up for you as a problem or complaint.

-          Nobody is ever stuck because of what happens, just their interpretation of what happens.  If you are chained to the wall, play the game chained to the wall.  Don’t let “chained to the wall” be more important than the game or games you’re playing.

Three summers ago I met a girl in NYC.  She was your all American Girl.  Tall, Blonde, and a perfect 10 physically and emotionally.  She had a radiant personality and every time we were in each other’s presence, the connection was always so deep.  I remember going out for lunch with her one day.  I hit traffic heading into NYC and she waited over an hour for me just to have lunch for 1 hour before she had to go back to work.  My presence was worth it to her.  Her presence was worth me driving an hour to grab lunch with her for an hour.  The hour over lunch felt like forever when I was with her.  We were in our little bubble.  Throughout our conversation, it would stop feeling like I was in a restaurant yet feeling like my own little world for that one hour.  The hour was rich, fulfilling, and every second was milked dry.   But no matter where we were, what we were doing, it was always like that.  She was incredibly warm, loving, and fascinating.  She created music videos, wrote music, sang, and bartended.  She was incredibly cultured, well read, and loved film.  She could talk to you forever about Truman Capote.  I only knew this girl for a bit over year and we would connect every time I would be back in NYC from college.

Then one evening she invited me back to her apartment.  We laid in bed together for hours just talking and cuddling.  I started giving her a massage and I felt like I was being pulled into her our chemistry was so strong.  As I was massaging her, her sitting upright with me right behind her, the closer I leaned in the harder I would press into her back.  I have the distinct memory of her breathe and the curves of her shoulders and back, to the soft touch of her skin.  She started breathing heavily with a slight moan.  I kissed her neck faintly and she kept moaning just slightly.  But then something happened which to this day feels like one of the saddest moments of my life.  I don’t remember what exactly I said to myself but I remember thinking that there was no way I was in this position.  I never got attention from women until I was 18 and here I was with someone who had the most admirable qualities, was super ambitious and successful,  had the deepest connection with, and she could easily be a fashion model and for a fashion model she would have been one of the most beautiful fashion models around.  And here I was with her.  So I brought myself down.  And I said three words that would change my destiny with her forever.  I said, “Is this okay?”.  All of a sudden  her breathing stopped being heavy, her moaning disappeared, the connection that was pulling me into her cut off and now I was just leaning closely into her with no connection which was just a feeling of awkwardness and she started logically thinking about it.  I put logic into what was going on.  And what happened?  Logic and analyzing got in the way of that connection.  Clearly it was okay for me to kiss her and I asked her like if it shouldn’t be okay.  She starts heavily thinking about it and says in a voice that lacked her strong confidence and one full of being unsure and said, “well hmmm, I dunno, I mean you live in Buffalo and I’m in NYC.  I love you so much as a friend and I’m scared that if we do anything that things will change and then you’ll go back to Buffalo and I know if I’m to get emotionally involved with someone I want to see them more often and I can’t say what the future holds but the fact you don’t live anywhere near me changes everything, so I guess I really shouldn’t be doing this.”

When I heard her say “I really love her as a friend” all I could think about was when I was in middle school and this girl who I asked out said, “well I’m not into you like that but I like you as a friend” (even though we weren’t friends and she was clearly just trying to be nice).  So then I made what she said mean that she was rejecting me even though that was not the case at all.  Instead of standing my ground I just shut down.  After about a minute I snapped out of it and we continued on to have a good (but not great) rest of the night.  As I left her apartment I felt incomplete about what happened.  I was so sad thinking I just blew an opportunity that may never arise again I just started driving and cried my way home thinking I just made one of the dumbest moves of my life.  A few days later I told her how I felt and what happened and why I did the things I did and she was incredibly understanding where she said I know you felt rejected yet I didn’t reject you I just would only be open to something if you lived near by.  Of course my one fear was by the time I graduated school, she would have a boyfriend again.  But what happened that night ended up being the beginning of the end because what I created was a dynamic of me feeling attached to the outcome of what it would look like with her and over time she could sense it behind my communication with her from that point on until she just completely disconnected.  She sensed I had an agenda and as any woman would tell you, that’s a great way to destroy any chance of any kind of relationship.

Since then I’ve been getting by with my dating life.  Over the past few months this has gotten ever more present to me.  After this happened I felt like I had just won a lottery and then dropped my ticket into a sewer and now I’ve just been playing scratch off mini games where I go back and forth from losing a few bucks to making a few bucks and in the end feeling like I wasted my money.  I’ve been dating girls who I totally have nothing in common with who just happen to be really hot, I’ve been okay dating girls who I have stuff in common with who have an incredibly undeveloped emotional maturity who don’t get me and unintentionally just bring me down which is the worst feeling in the world when someone can’t discriminate any difference between you and some guy she met at a club the previous night.  What’s been missing is me creating what I want.  Have I been branching out to personal coaches, executive coaches, women who have started non profits and are involved in making a difference with people and not trying to look good while doing it…nope.  Have I branched out to women who have been enlightened either through an accident or through a form of awareness training…nope.  Every girl I’ve been with for the most part I have always been dumbing myself down and connecting on a lower level of consciousness than I would ideally care for.  I have to deal with people getting in the way of themselves, who come from a place of good and bad/write and wrong, who have trouble being bigger than their circumstances, who deal with conversations most people deal with such as “I don’t have the time, I don’t have the money, or have reasons for their actions.”  I’m not interested in wasting time dating women who are resigned to life, their family, their friends, or some way where they disempower themselves.  Everyone makes mistakes but I’ve been okay having to give space to other people’s messes all the time.  I recognize this could sound arrogant.  and tough shit, maybe it does.  But I know what I want now.  What I’m saying isn’t looking for a better person, it’s just better for what I want personally.  There are some women that aren’t in a place where they would even realize they could make a difference in people’s lives, there are women who don’t understand the constraints of right and wrong, there are women who don’t understand you can connect with people on different levels of awareness.  For some women I occur no different emotionally than a guy at a club who looks like he’s right out of the show the Jersey Shore.  Some girls even feel being around someone like that is what fulfills them to their world view and being around me could actually be a threat to their identity.  And there’s  nothing wrong with any of that except in that case we’re at two completely different places from an awareness standpoint for it to work.  And even if it could work, something like that would more likely than not just take a lot of work, a lot of giving space to bullshit, and a lot of acknowledging to transform the relationship.

An Ideal Mindset

Dear Women,

Do you ever wonder why guys are always so defensive around you.  Do you ever wonder guys hold back with you and not share themselves.  Do you ever find guys trying to manipulate you or twist their words to please you?  If you answered yes to any of these consider it’s your mindset and how you talk to guys.

Here’s an example of what I mean:

I was scheduling a date with this woman.  I wanted to go clubbing with her but she had work the next day so she offered we go out to dinner instead.  The whole formal sit down dinner has never really been my thing for a first date so I told her, “That’s fine if that’s my only option.  I’ve never really done like a formal sit down dinner before as a date though so just warning you I may feel a little weird at first.”  She responded by saying, “Ok..Well let’s talk about to do when it gets closer. I want you to be comfortable and have fun.” Then I told her how nice that was of her to say and how I hardly hear that from most girls I go to college with. She then goes, “Well I can’t imagine trying to create and share an amazing experience with someone and not have us collaborate together or what we would both like.”

Those words, “”Well I can’t imagine trying to create and share an amazing experience with someone and not have us collaborate together or what we would both like.”

How did you take that?  Is that clingy?  Is that weird to you?  Is that too forward?  Is that something that you see as a negative.

If so, let me tell you how that came off for me.  It came off as super compassionate and sweet.  She showed a really caring side of herself to me right upfront.  Would I ever dare dream of feeling the need to change around my words with her.  Absolutely not?  When I was in high school I used to be so fake to women.  The reason was I always thought I never had the space to really say what was on my mind.

Can you imagine the interaction going another way.  Could you imagine I told this woman I wasn’t that comfortable and may feel a bit weird and then she starts judging me.  Could you see a woman be like “well I dunno what you want me to do then” or say “ummmm ok” or something similar.  If something like that happened, I’d be way less inclined  to continue to engage but many guys would TOLERATE that.  But it would have an impact on the future.  From then on the guy may really hold back what he really means.  Over time, he’ll feel the need to manipulate, lie, or settle for less which over time will cause for everything to be over.  That one dialogue could possibly kill any kind of connection before it even starts.

If you find you’re frustrated with guys it’s probably you and not every guy.  You can’t change people but what you can do is create a space for people to be around you.  Consider that if you create a context with a guy where you can take responsibility that he gets you’re totally okay with him being yourself around you, I can almost guarantee any of the push and pull. the struggle, the whose dominating who, the games, the manipulating, all of that…will simply disappear.  Of course you have to be open to hearing any of this for you to actually implement that.

Authenticity Around Women

Let’s face it. A function of men and women is to procreate. We like to get it on. It’s evolutionary in nature, we’ve been doing it for many years, yet so many guys seem to have so much trouble with their dating lives. We seem to do okay with other basic functions that keep our species alive such as breathing, eating, and sleeping. Also we seem to excel at our passions. Now I don’t know any man who isn’t passionate about other women or women who aren’t passionate about other men. For all intensive purposes this is geared torwards heterosexual dating and relationships.

So why do so many men have trouble with women. I don’t know one guy in this world who doesn’t enjoy amazing connections & great sex. Not saying he isn’t out there, I just have yet to meet him. One thing is a lot of men don’t realize their natural ability within. So overtime guys may use “techniques” and then fool themselves into thinking certain techniques work. The truth is it’s typically not the technique that worked but the fact the girl was already into him in the first place. Also consider the big picture to using techniques to get women. Trying to control an outcome of a situation is in itself manipulative and inauthentic. There’s ulterior motives using techniques. Not only that, these techniques are very see through even when the guy thinks they aren’t which then often times creates reactions in the women to play games right back at them. This causes lot sof unnessacary steps and creates more barriers to break down and work around.

So consider this. If you are a fairly good looking guy and you have friends did you ever have to play the games you play with women with your friends? The answer is probably not. Also think about what using techniques implies. Think about the context it creates. Context is important. If I need to manipulate my way into a situation, I’m creating a context that I can’t be me and creating a new paradigm for conversation. This one will almost inevitably be more stressful.

For instance, many guys want to use flirty banter on girls as a technique. This is overcompensation for something. As I need to use techniques for compensating that I can’t get what i want without them. My opening line if you even want to call it that is usually something of context or relevant and I don’t open as a way for it to go somewhere. Girls can sniff out an agenda a mile away and I’m sure you can sniff out an agenda when a used car salesman is trying to force the conversation into you buying a car. The best salespeople don’t need to manipulate and it makes them more powerful for it. Consider this…would you really tell a girl you weren’t attracted something really flirty or over the top right from the start? I speak to women the same way I speak to my mom quite frankly or anyone else. When you’re having fun with a girl, banter will naturally come. I never go into a situation thinking “I’m gonna go banter now.” I just say “hey” or what I’d say to anyone else. If you’re scared this will land you in the friend zone don’t even think like that. I’ve hooked up good looking girls who I was friends with. If you distinguish a friend zone and make that mean it can only be just platonic then that’s the constraints you’ll build up for yourself over time. When I go out on dates, I focus on having fun, it being a passionate time, and it being connected, and that doesn’t just go for me but I’ll also make sure the woman I’m with is having a fun time too with lots of passion and connection. Having the purpose behind all of this makes it much easier for me, banter naturally happens in a fun environment, and girls usually walk away from the experience feeling like they’ve known me forever or just feeling completely awesome about me and about themselves. This doesn’t even just apply to girls but also to business. I was recently at a very casual meeting with a two hedge fund guys. After our Starbucks one of the guys came up to me and goes, “this was such an authentic and inspiring meeting, thank you”. He could not get over how much fun he had and I was so happy to give him the oppurtunity to have a really great time. He even started taking notes to what I was saying…and I’m only 22. Just because I’m young doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say unless that’s the position I take. My purpose of that meeting was for it to be authentic, passionate, and inspiring and when I left I was acknowledged for two of the three aspects of the context I created that day. Of course saying it won’t make it real. It all must be done with integrity and you must be a stand for what you want. Eventually being that stand will become easier and easier as more people around you see it for themselves where as before it may have only been real for you and you had to keep re-creating and re-creating the passion, connection, inspiration…whatever. So by all means just be you, focus on what you want (your purpose behind your words) and everything naturally fits into place. It’s not about what you’re doing but who you’re being. A lot of us think that if we have something, then we’ll be able to do something, and from there we’ll be able to be something. Of course those are all constraints of the mind. In reality consider we can be something and with the being comes the doing and with the doing comes the having. It’s actually the inverse relationship of what common wisdom is. So back to dating.

If I’m forcing banter, if I’m steering the situation, if I feel I need to dominate the situation or control the situation, if I feel the need to constantl show off and look good who am I being in that situation. Perhaps I’m being unsure, not confident, scared, nervous. And keep note, I didn’t say feeling unsure, not confident, scared, and nervous but BEING that. To further that distinction take the idea of “sadness”. In the United States we see sadness as often times something bad or something negative. In Chinese culture sadness is cherished. So it’s possible to feel sad and vital at the same time. It’s possible to feel sad and be confident at the same time. Of course in the United States those feelings of sadness often times we react by being sad which is a byproduct of a resistance to what is..in this case the feelings of sadness. Happiness is a function of accepting what is. I can also feel happy and be sad or be depressed. If i resisted the feelings of feeling happy!

So in dating, relationships, or just any kind of interaction with women…it’s not about what you’re doing but who you’re being. Often times it takes giving up something in order to get what you want. So it may be giving up the strategizing, giving up resistance to certain conversations or ways of being, giving up control, giving up justications, giving up being righteous, giving up arrogance, giving up trying to persuade or convince, giving up techniques, just giving it up. When you give up everything your left in a space of complete nothingness. And when you’re in that place you can create anything. You can create any kind of way of being, any kind of context, and create a dating life that’s customed tailored totally to you and one not of a stressful chase, one of constant push and pull, and one of thinking about what the right thing to do is…yet one of complete and utter joy, passion, and full-self expression. Of course any of the adjectives and words I’m using are words I’d use to apply to my own life. Everyone will be different. Everyone will want to create a different kind of dating life that’s worth living into according to that specific individual. Also everything I’ve said here isn’t the right way of doing things and i’m not even giving advice or making suggestions of what you should or shouldn’t do. If you’re reading it through that lens, give up that way of listening and go back and read this again.

So play the game you want to play with the contexts you’re choosing to create and not based on what is but based on from nothing. Now make the rules, create the space, and no go have fun…play!

Some Guiding Principles for Life

So this post is inspired by a great post on my friend Kathryn’s blog, . She’s an amazing writer and decided to add to what she already is saying in the form of commentary in hopes of furthering the conversation. A lot of what she talks about is what I talk about so instead of reinventing the wheel I decided that everything already there was great and wanted to add to what already is. By all means what I’m adding below is from my experience and what works for me. In no way shape or form is it the truth or the right way of seeing things. It’s just one viewpoint that has worked for me in my life.

I will quote the principles she lays out and my commentary will be below it:

“Being different is a good thing, never be afraid of that…even if it makes you stick out and even sometimes feel ashamed or embarrassed. Embrace that part of you!!! It is uniqueness and nothing beats it.”

Being different is an issue only if you make it so. There are some things we have no control over such as who are parents are, what we look like, and whether someone likes you or not. Then there are our interests, our passions, and what drives us to wake up in the morning. There will always be people who get cynical at your passion and people who want to bring you up. You can’t change this fact nor is there anything wrong with any of it. There’s nothing to fix or change just what is. So first consciously choose ALL of it. Choose who your parents are and embrace it. Choose what drives you and embrace it. The only person who can stand in the way of any of that is you and choose to be responsible for that.

“Sometimes you have to look at your actions and see if they match up with your personal ideals. If not, change something next time, but be happy, don’t dwell on the past.”

It’s much easier to talk the walk and be the preacher than practice what you preach. I have another way of looking at it. Invert the sentence to preach what you practice. And be honest with yourself. Look at your life at this current moment and who you’re being. Do you want to preach what you’ve been doing. If you’ve been arrogant in the past — do you want to preach arrogance? Actions speak louder than words and words are very important as they create reality. Of course they only do if you can speak in a way that has integrity and inspires people to see something for themselves. Telling someone what they should be doing or trying to convince someone about how you are won’t do much.

“Be grateful for your health, it is like a rare gem not always appreciated until it has gone missing, then you wish with all your heart you had it back.”

Nothing to add.

“Look critically at the people you surround yourself with. Decide: do they lift you up, or bring you down.”

To add to that — if I feel someone is brining me down sometimes I ask myself is there anyway I’m causing this to happen or is there anyway I can be responsible for this person bringing me down. Then to answer my inquiry I ask myself “What’s in the way of me and this other person”. Maybe there’s something I need to apologize for maybe there’s something they’re upset about where I can simply ask if a certain behavior continues to come up. Also I see if there’s anyways I’m resisting their communication, defending myself, protecting myself, manipulating the situation or the conversation, or any other ways I might be being inauthentic with that person or myself. Finally when the space is completely completely clear between me and the other person, only then for me can I really know whether or not this is someone I want to be friends with.

“Respect is the greatest first impression you can show another person. Being too polite is better than being less than kind.”

I agree, having full respect for someone is super important. A respect out of love for who the person is and who the person isn’t. Some people see respect as a way to be nice to tolerating someone. Of course, that’s always very see through whether the person being “respectful” realizes it or not. Toleration means I’ll be able to stand you. There’s a difference between being able to stand someone and truly embracing someone for who they are in that moment. For me, I once had someone try to mug me in NYC. He showed me the blood on his shirt and told me he would do the same to me if I didn’t give him money. Now if I had a choice in the matter I would never chose to put myself in that situation but as my choices were “be in this situation” or “be in this situation” I decided to chose to be in that situation and give up anyway I was resisting him. I completely gave it up and embraced him. I didn’t tolerate him I had full acceptance and inclusiveness for him, who he was being, what he was saying IN THAT MOMENT. Because it was a conscious choice and my resisting wasn’t in my subconscious it gave me enormous power in that situation to deal with it effectively. I told my mugger (it wasn’t a guy mugging me but my mugger as I was choosing to have him there), I said “wow man that’s crazy can I buy you a nice dinner since you said you were going to use the money for food”. He goes I’d love that. Then I gave him a fist pound and told him how ridiculous it was how he pulled everything off the whole night. I bought him Chinese food right by W 30th Street and we ended up talking for about an hour.

“Listen to other peoples’ input. Thinking on these things can open you up if you are truly willing to ponder anothers’ perspective.”

And listen as in fully listening. It’s common for people to listen from their own point of view. The little voice in your head that gives a running commentary to what is and to what happens will have a commentary about what the other person is saying. Are you listening to the other person or listening to your commentary about what the person is saying.

“Do. not. use. people. Simply do not take advantage of another person. People are people just like you, and just like you have feelings, they do too. Karma has a way of making it’s way around for those who treat others without courtesy or solely for their own benefit.”

Be for others how you would want people to be for you. At times it may not be easy and may be easier to react. Over time as you constantly continue to create a space to what you’re a stand for in your life — the other person will either run in the other direction as they wouldn’t know how to deal with it or feel threatened or they would realized for themselves they don’t have to be a certain way around you and stop past based behaviors or nothing shifts but atleast you didn’t give into what they were doing. You become what you resist.

“There is nothing more refreshing than a humble person. It is not necessary to assert “power” over others. Power lies in humility.”

People who feel the need to be arrogant create the context for themselves that they aren’t powerful to begin with. If you are powerful to begin with your true colors will show you won’t need to tell people how great you are.

“Follow your instincts. If you feel like it’s a shady situation, it probably is.”

And be mindful that sometimes how you feel can be based on a reaction in the mind that senses a threat when it’s not really there. Be mindful of whether something else could be causing this reaction or if it’s just your survival instincts working in your favor.

“First things first, take your pride and run with it; don’t look back…unless the situation deems it necessary to swallow your pride.”

It’s your light that will inspire others and light others up around you. Of course it will also lead to cynics but that’s okay too. Let them be cynical and let it be.

Guys with Ulterior Motives

While this note’s intention is to directly to relate to guys who are dating or having fun meeting new women, consider listening to these concepts and distinctions that I lay out taken from my own experiences and realizations can be also applied to business, any kind of sales, networking, and any kind of existing relationship be it a family member, friend, or lover. While these are my ideas and some may or may not resonate with you, listen to them as they relate to your own life and not as truth.
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How did you meet your best friend? Chances are you either don’t remember or it just kind of happened. With almost out a doubt you weren’t approaching your one day best friend thinking to yourself, “one day i’m going to make him my best friend.”

Yet how many times have you as a guy thought:

“This girl over here I’m going to take home tonight” or “How can I get into this girls pants”

Now there’s nothing wrong with thinking that and wanting that but consider that letting those thoughts dictate your conversations and interactions with women no matter where you are will often lead to the woman resisting you in some way or just going along with what you say just to be nice with the thought she can later flake out on you if she needs to.

Now consider that this resistance or wall that may get put up may comes from woman sensing that’s all you want from them. See if you’re trying to “get” something from them, a woman will often feel as if you’re cornering them into a box and the harder they resist the harder your instinct will be to push. It’s no fun and certainly not a comfortable experience. See girls can sniff agenda based conversation, they can be very in touch with ulterior motives.

Things you may do whether conciously or not is start forcing conversation or steering it to go a certain way to lead to a desired result. It’s always obvious when you’re doing this to the women your trying to manipulate or control the outcome with, sometimes she’ll pick up your agenda based conversations quicker than you’ll realize you’re doing it.

Just imagine how you feel when buying a product and the person clearly is steering the conversation to tell you how great something is. The more and more aggressive the salesperson gets with you the more and more you’ll resist or just go along with what the salesperson is saying to let them just talk and be done with them. So for a woman who wants to have fun at a party or a club the last thing they want is feeling they are being cornered into a box or not being given a choice which is no fun.

Often times these dialogues are not only a miserable experience for the woman but be honest with yourself — are you really having fun or do you often times find your constant trying to “pickup” women as tiresome and wasted energy.

It’s not so much about what you’re doing but who you’re being. Consider just committing to having a fun, relaxed, and passionate time at the next party or club you go to. Now see what automatic thoughts or conversations come up for you. WIll your natural habits of the past make sense if you’re being fun, being relaxed, or being passionate about what you say or do. Are you buying a drink for a girl to get her drunk and sleep with her or are you buying her a drink because you’re having such an amazing and fun time shooting the shit with her and dancing your asses off that you just truly want to buy her a drink. Are you continuing to talk to her because the conversation in itself is just so fantastic that you and her are just sharing an intimate bubble of attraction or are you continuing to talk to play out your thought process of “if i talk to her then she’ll like me and then i can take her home” which will be a conversation where you’re not really present with her yet always thinking about the next step which is always stressful and usually pushy and will get women to start putting up walls and resist or submit to your interactions.

So give up your agendas. Give up any ulterior motives of how you’re manipulating or controlling a situation. Give up all control. Just always make space for people to choose. Talk to a women the same way you would talk to a close friend. Just be yourself and go with the moment. When women feel they have the space to say no and when women can sense you’re just geninuly having a great time with them and they aren’t feeling cornered into a box but they’re also experiencing them having fun with you — that’s what creates attraction and that’s what will get you what you want in the end anyway.

If you’re reading this note because I chained you to a pole and shoved the computer in your face — you may still read it but the whole thing would be completely uncomfortable or forced and if anything I clearly don’t have much faith in what I’m saying or that people will listen to me if I’m going to those means to find people to read my notes. But if you’re reading this right now and you’re still reading it means you’ve read it because you chose to first click the title and then continue to read each paragraph without me telling you that you should or without anyone forcing you.

At the end of the day when you push — she’ll either resist or just go along with what you say and submit to everything in the conversation as a form of resisting by being nice. If you just stand your ground and don’t force the conversation, she’ll either be into you or she won’t at any moment. Over time the more she’s around you things she could lose interest in you or you with her or vice versa. And the same goes for you too.

At the end of the day be a stand for what you want and go with the flow.

Keeping your Integrity at all Costs

I cannot stress enough how important integrity is in life itself. Sometimes we may break our word because we don’t think it makes a difference. Over time, it may not be. At the same time, what you say may not make a difference to in that context so your word stops mattering. When you’re word stops mattering, it almost doesn’t matter what you say and you can get away with not keeping your word because people simply don’t expect you to. Northing wrong with any of that. Keeping impeccable integrity with what you say and what you do is so incredibly important as when you keep your word, you then become your word. What you say goes in your world. Whatever you declare and be a stand for in your life can happen just from you saying it as long as you keep your integrity.

Tonight I broke my integrity. Why I think this is so important is what I did in “my mind” wasn’t a huge deal. But what is is that I didn’t keep my word and that’s all that matters. This is to show that even small things you wouldn’t effect people, really can leave a negative impact on someone else.

Tonight I was at a bar called Mojos. I was there with a buddy of mine and went for two reasons. To have fun time and dance with some incredibly beautiful, sexy, and confident girls on the dance floor and to find a few guests for my radio show. While I wasn’t attached to any of those outcomes, that’s what I was committed to.

I met one girl there named Lindsay. It was her 21st birthday and was a communications major. She told me how much she loved being on the radio and wanted to do her own radio show at college. I told her about my radio show about sex and she told me she would be interested. Her friend told me I should buy her a drink. I told her I would love to buy her a drink. She smiled and told me nobody had bought her a drink the whole night. Then they went inside and I had to take a phone call and stayed outside. After the phone call I completely forgot about my promise I had made to her. I remembered while I was already in the car on my way home to my dorm. So I thought to myself, “Oh it’s no big deal”. Of course, those were just my thoughts. So I chose to break my word and be right about how I thought instead of taking the position this is how I feel but it doesn’t matter what’s coming up for me as I made a promise and I intend to keep it.

When I got back home I had a text message from her. It simply said, “Fuck You”.

Will she still be a guest on my show. Probably not.
Are the chances less. I would imagine almost definitely.
Was she upset. Absolutely.

In conclusion “Being Right” got in the way of “Keeping Integrity”.

So what I got tonight was that I got to be right. What I gave up was a space to have vitality and affinity in her communication and probably a loss of a potential guest on the radio show.

Now I will still have someone else to replace her, that’s not the issue. The idea to stress is that even really minor things where you aren’t keeping your word can really have an effect on people in ways you may never even realize.

Integrity is key to having power in your word.

Beyond the Mind

My intent for this is note is NOT to give you an experience that goes outside of the mind. Perhaps you might after this but so far I see it as highly unlikely. I’d also make the assumption that if you get the result that I’m about to explain you will probably be on a natural high for about a week after, you may cry, you will know your life has changed and you will also not be able to explain to anyone adequately what just happened. You won’t think the result happened, you will know it. For all purposes this is about detaching from the mind permanently and is not about how to get it but a description of it which as descriptive as it might be is still very much inadequate in describing the very tangible thing that I’m writing about. This is a result of I have no language to communicate what I am talking about nor do most people have any context to what I am talking about. This is on par with explaining eyesight to a blind person or the internet to a soldier fighting in America’s civil war. I may have the words to describe it but the words will have a different meaning to me than they will to you.

A blind man goes what is sight? You go it’s seeing. Okay what does that mean? Well you can see instead of seeing darkness. Okay then what’s outside of darkness? Light. But I see light, I know when it’s morning so therefore I see? No you are blind you may see some colors or shades but you are still blind. So then what else is there? Objects to see. Okay well I can feel objects but I don’t know what you mean by seeing them. (etc, etc, etc)

A solider in the civil war goes what is the internet. You say it’s a network of servers. What is a network? Ok what is a network. A network is a bunch of servers put together. What’s a server? A server stores computer data. What’s a computer? It stores data, through 0′s and 1′s. How does numbers hold data? Through electric circuit boards. Can I store my gun in a computer and what do you mean by electric? No you can’t and I mean its run by electricity. Why can’t I and what’s electricity? (etc, etc, etc)

Okay so what is “detachment from the mind” or “a state beyond mind” or “Transformation” or “Enlightenment” That is what I will not attempt to answer due to my obvious constraints as explained above but instead will try best to describe it and get you (the reader) open to the idea of the possibility of it existing.

Description
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The mind is very important. Without it we would not be able to speak, solve problems, think, move, or even BE ALIVE.

The mind is also something which “can” be very limiting. Consider that most people view reality as it exists in their mind. The way they communicate, their points of views, their personality, how they react, how moods affect them, relationships with “time”, “money”, and themselves. This is the “way I am”. All of that exists in the mind and is very real for them. Most people are their mind. A famous philosopher once said, “I think, therefore I am”. Most people see this as a truth.

So there is a whole realm that exists beyond the mind. Buddhists call this, “seeing above”. Personal and Executive Coaches call this, “transformation”. I have also heard it called, “a state beyond mind”. It’s also the original usage of the words, “enlightenment” and “truth”, but these words have been diluted in the world, especially in the West and have taken on a life of its own that now is closer associated with philosophy, religion, psychology, self-help, or new-age garbage.

So now you may be “thinking”…….”So what you’re saying enlightenment or getting truth isn’t philosophy or religion, sounds like it to me.”

Right! That’s exactly what I’m saying. A function of the mind is to compare anything we don’t know to what we already do. So for instance we know what “philosophy” is. We know what “psychology” is. We know what “religion” is. We know what “self-help” is. Some of us may know what “new-age” is. I personally find philosophy very interesting. I find psychology fascinating. I am not very religious at all. I take the position there may be a God but I have never had a divine experience so I’ll go with Bill Maher’s viewpoint of I’ll see it until I believe it and take the position “I don’t know”. I know what self-help is and think while it does have it’s uses, it’s very often mis-used and there’s a lot of scams out there. It also emotionally makes you feel good and people become addicted to it because they rely on “self-help” and they become in a constant state of needing to get better or be fixed. Then there’s new-age stuff like walking on coals or broken glass which if often a combination of useful ideas combined with unnessary mystical bullshit.

Examples of:
Philosophy: Existentiallism, Utilatarianism

Psychology: Abnormal Psychology, Cognitive Psychology, Developmental Psychology, Therapy

Applications of Psychology/Philosophy: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, DBT, Electro-Shock Therapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming.

Self-Help/Coaching: Neuro-Linguistic Programming (I put this in both), Dale Carnegie, Power of Positive Thinking, Think & Grow Rich, Life-Coaching, The Omega Institute, Transcidental Meditation, Art of Seduction, Pickup 101, Inner Confidence

New-Age: Fire-walking and other…

So getting to that level of beyond on the mind, isn’t something to believe in, or an idea or philosophy. It’s not something to attain or achieve when gotten but is a very now experience, is very tangible, and if 10 people got it in 10 different ways, they would all be talking from that place and would all sound roughly the same. I know practically nothing about Buddhism or Buddha yet after reading Buddhists texts, it’s all very similiar. It’s like if we all got eyesight in different ways. Maybe I was born with it, and someone else had surgery to get it, and someone else lived their life not knowing they had eyes then one day realized it and simply opened them. We would all talk about getting it, in this case with it being eyesight all very much the same way. To a blind person eyesight might be seen as a threat. It may be seen as a philosophy or something to believe in. An idea or a theory. It may sounds like a concept that is worth debating about. You can try to explain eyesight to a blind man for 50 years. Nobody can ever “Learn” eyesight or “Memorize” it. You can’t hold it. You can’t feel it. You can’t even see it. You can’t even see it in someone else just from looking at a person standing. The only person who can truly know has eyesight is YOU. Now of course when people are out there in the world, it becomes clear people are using their eyesight and you can experience the byproduct of eyesight.

You can also experience the byproduct of “Transformation”.

Examples:

People in India and abroad experienced Ghandhi’s transformation. Not everyone may have gotten it but they experienced byproducts of it through him using it in the world.

I have gotten calls before telling me that I have changed their lives. Most of these people have not gotten to this detachment of the mind yet many people have experienced life changing results as a function of speaking to me.

Nelson Mandela’s work.

Employees of Steve Jobs are empowered to innovate. Steve Jobs created this space. Steve Jobs has gotten to this state. I doubt every employee at Apple has yet I know a lot of them have through various means.

OK — so now I have gone in through what “this” is not.

While I’m going to describe what “this” is, I cannot explain it. Nobody can, not even people who are highly trained to allow people to have this for themselves. The same way I cannot explain eyesight to a blind man, I cannot explain “transformation” to someone who (yes I’m going to label you and NO its NOT a negative connotation or somehow any better or worse than you. It’s just a function of what is) “is their mind”, “is not been transformed”, “has not ever experienced the self, just their mind which they confuse as the self”.

So yes the mind is very important in the fact that when I run my business, I have to analyze businesses and figure out how much they are worth.

But there is a place of operation beyond the mind. Have you ever had the experience of “speaking from the heart” or a “peak moment which was so pure and authentic nothing else in the world mattered”? Those peak moments are tiny sneak peeks at that state beyond mind. Right? You weren’t thinking about it being a pure moment or thinking about what you were saying or doing, it just happened. Now you probably used your mind to describe it or speak about what was present to you but often times we may have the “thought” of “there’s no words to describe this moment right now and nobody might ever understand this”. Or when you are talking to a person who you can’t stand and then you have a “moment” and all the past goes away and nothing matters anymore. That again doesn’t involve thinking or the mind. It comes from a place beyond that.

The mind is also responsible for conversations such as “I’m too tired”, “I don’t have the time”, or “I don’t have the money”. And the thing is they will show up in life itself. Consider that most people describe the world around them when in fact they are actually creating their world around them thereby describing it. There’s a book called “The Secret” that goes into this concept but it stops at that. It stops at a concept and that’s why “The Secret” doesn’t work. If I think and act like I’m going to have enough time, doesn’t mean I will. That’s also the problem with “positive thinking” which alone doesn’t do anything and are just “concept” that describe an experience. Knowing the definition of a color doesn’t allow one to see. Anyone can think positively, doesn’t mean they will have this “transformation”.

Transformation is literally a detachment from the mind. When this happens, life itself becomes a peak moment and NO you don’t lose your thinking abilities. In fact, people are often able to solve problems quicker and more effectively.

Examples of this:

After Steve Jobs had a transformation, Steve Jobs came back to Apple and created a space of empowerment at his company producing the iPod and iPhone amongs other innovations. Profitability went up. Return on Equity went up. And yes…..people still think at that company. Steve Jobs doesn’t have a different mind or different genes, he just has access to a realm 24/7 that most people never experience or if they do call it a “peak moment”.

One of the biggest Platinum Companies in South Africa had their employees get this experience. When they did: injury rates fell by 50% almost overnight. Racism disappeared from the company. Return on Equity and Profitability went way up.

When Chuck Palahniuk (author of fight club) had this happen to him, well he created the book fight club. Lots of writers will say they don’t think about what they are writing it comes to them and then they “think about” making the words come out right. As opposed to thinking about what to write, its inspiration first, think later. Inspiration is a none mind phenomenon. Creativity comes from this place. Often times people who lack creativity also are very analytical. Everyone is capable of having both

One thing that happened to me is my writers block for music (and for pieces like this) went away. If anyone is interested in seeing how I used to write, go to my old bloghttp://iamamazing.wordpress.com My ego that used to run me completely created the title of this blog. I had my transformation in June at around 9pm at night in NYC right across from Penn Plaza and Madison Square Garden. Any posts before June are how I used to write and communicate.

So its a state beyond mind. It’s a state where you get to observe your mind the same way you observe your arm. It’s something that NOBODY NEEDS but I would consider it a huge luxury on life. NOBODY NEEDS eyesight but once you get it forward your life in whatever you wanted to do and also opens up doors you didn’t even know you could open if you were once blind. Transformation is the same way. It works for EVERYONE. If you have it you will naturally want to use it daily. It forwards what you do. And it’s something you never know you even want to attain. If everyone in the world was blind we wouldn’t have any desire for eyesight. Not because we wouldn’t want it — only because we don’t even know it’s something to want. I have had many people initially say NO when I offer them the gift of transformation. 100% of the time they are saying no due to a reaction in the mind. They have a reason that comes up for them that they say no to. They see the reason as reality and not just a reason that came up based on life experience and genetics. Often times people go, “no that’s not for me” or “no it sounds nice but i’m not ready for that” or “no i don’t want to risk it destroying my life” or “no, i’m glad it worked for you but that’s just not my kind of thing”.

When people decide they want to have this experience it comes from knowing a byproduct of it and they want that. So they want to have more time for the things they love, or better relationships with their family, or they want to be dating the men or women of their dreams, or they want to change the world, or they want to make a difference with people, or they want more confidence, or they have a specific thing they feel stuck with such as having trouble winning a proxy battle or influencing management at a company. When they know a promised result and see other people get a promised result they go “I want that”.

If you are interested in finding out what’s in it for you I can only make assumptions. There are ways to actually get clear what’s in it for you before you actually get the experience. If you are interested feel free to message me. Now of course your mind may naturally resist what I’m saying, may naturally have all the reasons in the world why you are not going to message me. Some people may message me because they have nice thoughts about it or because they feel good. If you have horrible thoughts about it or feel horrible about it those are also okay and I invite you to get past that and have a conversation with me anyway. You can’t be responsible for your mind, your life experience, or your DNA. What you do with it you can be. Of course now you may have all the ideas and thoughts about what “transformation” is. You may even KNOW what it is. Things you know are “you know you can read the English Language and Understand it”. Things you know you don’t know might be. “you know you don’t know what George Washington’s favorite color was”. Transformation is in the realm of what you don’t even know you don’t know. So any thoughts, emotions, feelings, concepts, you may have about it are not it, just your own thoughts emotions, feelings about it which if you ask 100 people they may give you 100 different answers. The same way you ask 100 blind people to describe sight. You ask 100 people who have eyesight to talk about it — you can have 100 people who got it in different ways, who have different past experiences, genetic makeup, and from different parts of the world and they will most likely all be talking along the same lines. Same goes for people like me who have “this” already. Again nothing better or superior about it. Just what is. It used to be very frustrating to try to explain it with no results. Then I came to accept the fact that I just can’t and through conversations like the one I am having with you (the reader) right now has been the only way I know how to open people up to having this for themselves. There are certain things that when I may speak to someone without “this” may sound like concepts or my own belief system just like if you used the word “color”, “red”, or “explaining the difference between a hot club girl and a cute pure looking girl” a blind man’s mind would have all the ideas about it yet they would all be based on his or her own ways of thinking and wouldn’t truly get what you were talking about regardless of he or she KNEW what you were talking about or not. A blind man go, I’m glad colors work for you but they don’t for me. I’m scared eyesight could destroy the relationship I have with my mother or impede on my business. Of course to us, that’s almost humorous but to a blind man, that’s all he or she experiences.

There is a study that most blind people will refuse an operation that could give them eyesight. They will refuse to pay for eyesight. If you lost your eyesight and knew you could get it back. Would you? How much would you pay?

My hunch is those statistics would look very different.

Actions and Meanings

One thing I have control over is the actions I take.  One thing I don’t necessarily have control over is how other feel over those actions.  There is a distinction between what happened and how you feel about what happened.  Yet often times we collapse them into one.

I’m 17 years old.  I’m in high school.  I’m walking into town with one of my best friends at the time.  He tells me about some girl he’s getting with.  He tells me all these things he’s doing in his life.  Now he used to do this a lot.  Sometimes it would come off to me as a bit silly since he would have some funny stories but I knew it was never personal and I knew it was always something I could laugh about with him.  One day he did the exact same thing except for whatever reason after he spoke I felt grossed out by him.  I felt he was putting me down.  I felt he was trying to make himself feel better around me.  I felt he was disrespecting me.  Now all that happened was he told me all these things he was up to.  For whatever reason I was very upset that day and all I could see was based on how I felt instead of what was so.  And instead of laughing it off his funny stories or being his cheerleader I got angry with him for him trying to put me down and try to make me feel worse about myself.

I’m 18 years old.  I’m at the library with who at that time was the girl of my dreams.  It’s 3 in the morning.  After about two months of us hanging out she tells me I’m not the one.  What happened is she had no interest in me anymore.  How I felt was sad, angry, disgusted, and a deep feeling of betrayal.  Then I made that mean she hurt me, she was sociopathic, she wasn’t compassionate, and that she betrayed me.  Now did any of that actually happen.  No.  But I just happened to feel that way and instead of seeing what happened as literally for what is, I saw things based on the emotions I was feeling at the time.  I allowed things to occur for me based on how I felt, not what was so.

What to take from these two completely different events is that I never understood why I kept feeling betrayed, disgusted, and put-down by people.  What I didn’t realize was it had nothing to do with what people were doing or saying.  The actions in itself were just what was so.  What I was reacting to was my own emotions that happened to be there when the actions took place and would interpret those actions based on how I felt and wasn’t able to hear the other persons intentions because it didn’t fit with how I felt.  Once I realize that I had no control over certain emotions I may have but just became aware that I happened to on rare occasion have these emotions I was able to see things for what they really were.  I was able to listen to people for what they were saying, not about what I was feeling and thinking about what they were saying.  It was like listening to people truly for the first time.  Also people putting me down, betraying me, disgusting me, that went away for me.  The emotion comes up but it’s just a feeling that happens to be there and the sky also happens to be blue.  Another thing that came out of this was to be to fully accept when other people would react towards me and be okay they weren’t able to take apart what was so and what they felt was so was real at that moment.  To come from a place of compassion and empathy instead of making the person wrong for how they felt (which they had no control over) and coming from a place of confusion and anger and complaining about how could you think like this (instead of just being okay that at this moment that is how they happen to think because that’s how they happen to feel), and being completely okay that someone may not be able to make the distinction between what happened and about what happened (which is only human).

While it’s a function of human beings to mix these two up being aware of the meanings one puts onto actions based on feelings and the actions themselves is something that with an initial intention to become aware when one is doing this, it’s possible that many things can open up that one may never have seen before because one was able to have the courage to look beyond their own filters, emotions, and righteousness/arrogance that how they felt is so is real and that one’s interoperation may not be the right interoperation just a possible one out of many.  And that all one really knows is what is is and what isn’t isn’t and to take things for what they are and what they are not.

Shaping the Reality of Disease through Language

Just how language creates context for one’s life such as through here: http://schleien.wordpress.com/2009/11/21/actions-speak-louder-than-words/

Language also can create how disease occurs to oneself:

http://www.nytimes.com/1989/01/16/books/books-of-the-times-shaping-the-reality-of-aids-through-language.html