Your Life Mission

The purpose of this post is to go after what you really want.  To pursue your life mission.

To provide some context here are some themes to be mindful of when reading my note below:

So what are some takeaways from all of this?

(Consider being mindful of these two things before reading)

-          What I say is not the truth, not to be believed, just things to consider.  To fully get the impact of what I’m saying in how what I’m saying occurs for me, comes from the experience of getting what’s so, not reading about it or believing in it.  The experience is powerful, reading about it could “sound  like” common sense or straight out bullshit.

-          Human beings often listen through a filter.  While reading, have an awareness of your thoughts about what I’m saying.  I invite you to put your thoughts, your reasons, and your logic aside and just read what I’m saying like if what I’m saying is all that matters.  Give up being right about what you believe in just while reading this and read this to fully embody how what I’m saying occurs for me.

(Consider being mindful of these things while reading)

-          Give up attachment to an outcome but be incredibly committed to what you want.  When your sensing your attached to what you want, just give it up in that moment.

-          Give up resisting

-          Give up resentment

-          Practice Forgiveness

-          Complete the past, don’t operate from it, operate from the now and create a future and possibilities in the present

-          Be Inclusive,  not tolerant

-          Don’t ever bring yourself down to bring someone else up

-          Bring people up around you which brings you up (win-win)

-          Remember what you’re committed to.  If you’re playing the game “create passion” and you let an upset stop you from what you were out to create, the game is over and the game “let an upset destroy passion” is the new game you are playing.  A game is when something is more important than something else because that’s what is declared.  Games are not natural.  Baseball wasn’t discovered, it was created.  The power of language creates reality when there is integrity behind what’s being said.

-          Be mindful to distinguish what happens with your interpretation of what happens.

-          Be larger than your circumstances

-          Be larger than your reasons

-          What you do is what you’re doing and that’s all you’ll ever do.  Reasons belong in the realm of interpretation of what happens.  (I almost never have the time or money to do many of the things I do)  (I also do  not have the energy nor enough sleep to write this note right now)  I still do what I’m doing and I still am writing this note

-          Happiness is created by accepting what is.  Having an awareness of where you resist is what will show up for you as a problem or complaint.

-          Nobody is ever stuck because of what happens, just their interpretation of what happens.  If you are chained to the wall, play the game chained to the wall.  Don’t let “chained to the wall” be more important than the game or games you’re playing.

Three summers ago I met a girl in NYC.  She was your all American Girl.  Tall, Blonde, and a perfect 10 physically and emotionally.  She had a radiant personality and every time we were in each other’s presence, the connection was always so deep.  I remember going out for lunch with her one day.  I hit traffic heading into NYC and she waited over an hour for me just to have lunch for 1 hour before she had to go back to work.  My presence was worth it to her.  Her presence was worth me driving an hour to grab lunch with her for an hour.  The hour over lunch felt like forever when I was with her.  We were in our little bubble.  Throughout our conversation, it would stop feeling like I was in a restaurant yet feeling like my own little world for that one hour.  The hour was rich, fulfilling, and every second was milked dry.   But no matter where we were, what we were doing, it was always like that.  She was incredibly warm, loving, and fascinating.  She created music videos, wrote music, sang, and bartended.  She was incredibly cultured, well read, and loved film.  She could talk to you forever about Truman Capote.  I only knew this girl for a bit over year and we would connect every time I would be back in NYC from college.

Then one evening she invited me back to her apartment.  We laid in bed together for hours just talking and cuddling.  I started giving her a massage and I felt like I was being pulled into her our chemistry was so strong.  As I was massaging her, her sitting upright with me right behind her, the closer I leaned in the harder I would press into her back.  I have the distinct memory of her breathe and the curves of her shoulders and back, to the soft touch of her skin.  She started breathing heavily with a slight moan.  I kissed her neck faintly and she kept moaning just slightly.  But then something happened which to this day feels like one of the saddest moments of my life.  I don’t remember what exactly I said to myself but I remember thinking that there was no way I was in this position.  I never got attention from women until I was 18 and here I was with someone who had the most admirable qualities, was super ambitious and successful,  had the deepest connection with, and she could easily be a fashion model and for a fashion model she would have been one of the most beautiful fashion models around.  And here I was with her.  So I brought myself down.  And I said three words that would change my destiny with her forever.  I said, “Is this okay?”.  All of a sudden  her breathing stopped being heavy, her moaning disappeared, the connection that was pulling me into her cut off and now I was just leaning closely into her with no connection which was just a feeling of awkwardness and she started logically thinking about it.  I put logic into what was going on.  And what happened?  Logic and analyzing got in the way of that connection.  Clearly it was okay for me to kiss her and I asked her like if it shouldn’t be okay.  She starts heavily thinking about it and says in a voice that lacked her strong confidence and one full of being unsure and said, “well hmmm, I dunno, I mean you live in Buffalo and I’m in NYC.  I love you so much as a friend and I’m scared that if we do anything that things will change and then you’ll go back to Buffalo and I know if I’m to get emotionally involved with someone I want to see them more often and I can’t say what the future holds but the fact you don’t live anywhere near me changes everything, so I guess I really shouldn’t be doing this.”

When I heard her say “I really love her as a friend” all I could think about was when I was in middle school and this girl who I asked out said, “well I’m not into you like that but I like you as a friend” (even though we weren’t friends and she was clearly just trying to be nice).  So then I made what she said mean that she was rejecting me even though that was not the case at all.  Instead of standing my ground I just shut down.  After about a minute I snapped out of it and we continued on to have a good (but not great) rest of the night.  As I left her apartment I felt incomplete about what happened.  I was so sad thinking I just blew an opportunity that may never arise again I just started driving and cried my way home thinking I just made one of the dumbest moves of my life.  A few days later I told her how I felt and what happened and why I did the things I did and she was incredibly understanding where she said I know you felt rejected yet I didn’t reject you I just would only be open to something if you lived near by.  Of course my one fear was by the time I graduated school, she would have a boyfriend again.  But what happened that night ended up being the beginning of the end because what I created was a dynamic of me feeling attached to the outcome of what it would look like with her and over time she could sense it behind my communication with her from that point on until she just completely disconnected.  She sensed I had an agenda and as any woman would tell you, that’s a great way to destroy any chance of any kind of relationship.

Since then I’ve been getting by with my dating life.  Over the past few months this has gotten ever more present to me.  After this happened I felt like I had just won a lottery and then dropped my ticket into a sewer and now I’ve just been playing scratch off mini games where I go back and forth from losing a few bucks to making a few bucks and in the end feeling like I wasted my money.  I’ve been dating girls who I totally have nothing in common with who just happen to be really hot, I’ve been okay dating girls who I have stuff in common with who have an incredibly undeveloped emotional maturity who don’t get me and unintentionally just bring me down which is the worst feeling in the world when someone can’t discriminate any difference between you and some guy she met at a club the previous night.  What’s been missing is me creating what I want.  Have I been branching out to personal coaches, executive coaches, women who have started non profits and are involved in making a difference with people and not trying to look good while doing it…nope.  Have I branched out to women who have been enlightened either through an accident or through a form of awareness training…nope.  Every girl I’ve been with for the most part I have always been dumbing myself down and connecting on a lower level of consciousness than I would ideally care for.  I have to deal with people getting in the way of themselves, who come from a place of good and bad/write and wrong, who have trouble being bigger than their circumstances, who deal with conversations most people deal with such as “I don’t have the time, I don’t have the money, or have reasons for their actions.”  I’m not interested in wasting time dating women who are resigned to life, their family, their friends, or some way where they disempower themselves.  Everyone makes mistakes but I’ve been okay having to give space to other people’s messes all the time.  I recognize this could sound arrogant.  and tough shit, maybe it does.  But I know what I want now.  What I’m saying isn’t looking for a better person, it’s just better for what I want personally.  There are some women that aren’t in a place where they would even realize they could make a difference in people’s lives, there are women who don’t understand the constraints of right and wrong, there are women who don’t understand you can connect with people on different levels of awareness.  For some women I occur no different emotionally than a guy at a club who looks like he’s right out of the show the Jersey Shore.  Some girls even feel being around someone like that is what fulfills them to their world view and being around me could actually be a threat to their identity.  And there’s  nothing wrong with any of that except in that case we’re at two completely different places from an awareness standpoint for it to work.  And even if it could work, something like that would more likely than not just take a lot of work, a lot of giving space to bullshit, and a lot of acknowledging to transform the relationship.